i haven't posted in awhile, so i doubt anyone remembers me.

i fig, what's the fucking point?

no one wants to hear that 1) i got even fatter (160's!), 2) work has barely given me enough shifts in the last 3 months to buy bread with, 3) my fam is so broke that we had to sell our beautiful house, and 4) despite aforementioned lack of work shifts and near bankruptcy, i haven't even managed to dance (yes, exotically as i think more money will solve the majority of my probs) for one night because i'm too chicken shit.

apart from losing the house (i can't do fuck all about that) all i really need to do is stop eating like a fucking pig and get my ass to the city and take my clothes off - it's worth a try to say the least.

either way fml.

Josh,

I can't believe our relationship is going to fall apart over something as childish as money, but it is what it is. I don't want to lose you. I do, however, want to do what is best for me and my family.

I don't want to rub this in your face, however, it needs to be brought to your attention. You were 30-years-old when we met; you didn't have a job; you lived on the couch of your parents' house (trailer); and you have a daughter out of wedlock which may sound like no big to you, but I always had dreams of having my own traditional family. Despite being "bad on paper," I liked you anyway and I went out of my way to drive you around because you don't have a car, but I think you only gave me gas money 5 times - and never more than $20.00 at a time - even though I've told you more than once that daily trips to your parents' house from my house costs me almost $50.00/week so over the last 6 months your "contribution" didn't exactly do much.
When you got a new job and started to get back on your feet not much with us changed. I know you bought me some clothes, but I don't feel that a sweater once every 3 months compensates for me being your support system as well as your chauffeur.

Paying rent may be a hard concept for you to grasp because you unofficially lived with us when we had the big house which was not an issue, but those days are over: we had to sell that house and downgrade to one half the size so how can you still refuse to pay a respectable amount of rent, especially after all we have done for you? My Mom (the vegetarian) used to go ot of her way to stock up the freezer with steak, and prime rib, and things like that and everyone knows those are expensive food choices. What hurts the most is that you always said you wanted to live with me and when an opportunity presents itself you don't want to do it because (according to you) it will cost you move than living on your own will, even though living with us would really help us out. You have lived on your own before so I know you know it will be impossible to find a decent 1 bedroom apartment for under $700.00/month complete with utilities, home insurance, basic needs, and entertainment, which tells me you are not interested in investing in us. (I believe you were paying $1200.00 at your last one?)

In the end, I feel like you haved used me. I'm not sure if it was intentional as i know you are not a malicious man, but I do know that you are a bit of a cheap one. I don't want to be the girl who helps you move ahead in life by stalling my her own as well as the intrusion the rest of my family will feel by you living with us for free. I also accept the fact I may have to let you go.

"Another boy, another life. Another happy ending, and I'll be alive."

- Chantelle

i'm not sure if any of you remember me, but thanks for all of your comments and messages about my post below.

i tried it and i found the process to be more trouble than it was worth as i had a hard time finding clients to comply with my rules and the ones that did wanted too much of my time (i.e. they wanted me to be like a part-time girlfriend and i wasn't comfortable with it.)

i'm determined, however, to work in the sex industry, so i've resorted back to trying stripping.
the reason i ruled it out before was because i thought i would have to disappear every weekend and not make enough money for the end result to justify the means.
i may have been wrong because i had a heart-to-heart with an old friend of mine who used to do it (and sometimes still does it) and she told me that she clears $1,000/night in the vip room (she confessed not much is made on stage) and she doesn't have to go away every weekend - every other weekend or once a month at most.
is making this type of money possible without extras?
she has a friend she does it with and they are like a little team, which (to me) would make the hustling process easier and story plausible - if her new truck and house aren't enough proof.

anyway, the only thing holding me back now is simply that i'm afraid. i really wish i had a friend like the friend i was just talking about does and even though i asked for her help (and she agreed), when push came to shove and we were supposed to go away and dance so told me she "doesn't have the time." (i found this odd because she literally went out of her way to come over and talk to me for an hour about the process, but whatever.)  

i need your help on how to get this process started as it looks like i have to do it alone...

did any of you ever dance alone before or did you have a friend to enter the club with and keep you confident throughout the night?

i really wish i could change my username without getting a whole new account as i feel i've graduated beyond my current nickname, but ohhhh well!  (*aside: i'm greek and prigkipissa means princess in greek and the extra "p" is for purple, which is the colour of the university in my city so i wanted to be a "purpleprincess" during my collegiate days, lolz. now, i'm just working to pay off my debt with 0 success, but whatev...)

what a fucking week this is going to be! i'm excited, though, as i've outgrown my binging as well as my nickname. i just don't...care to eat like that anymore. strange feeling, hey? i did it (binged) because i thought it would make me feel well, but it didn't so fuck it. i don't know if i have my ana identity back. who cares? the last thing i want to be is a binger.

also, i'm going to try stripping (see aforementioned debt) so i have a little more desire (not pressure, really) to just take care of myself. i know i'll get hater comments for the stripping, but fuck that, too. my gf does it on/ff (so it's not her life) and she makes $1000+ a night. after 1.5 years of this she has a house, a car, and $10,000 just sitting there in her account. can that be me? i fucking hope so, hahaha. i'll keep you posted. (unless you don't want me too, but i kinda feel the whole stipper/body image/anorexia thing go together.)

i wanna say fml, but i feel good.

i make 0 sense and it's only mon...

i went to the fair and then crabby joe's for ufc 103 last night, so (naturally), i are like a FAT piiig:

1/2 an elephant ear, 1/2 poutine, 1/2 spinach/artichoke dip with pita, 8 mozzarella sticks, and beer, beer, beer.

i just started taking metformin (a FAT-blocker pill perscribed for those with diabetes or those who are extremely obese) and i'm highly confident it will help me (the health channel saaaaaid so), but it gives me no excuse to eat like that.

the funny(ish) thing is that i brought my gf - e.b. - along and she's ana for sure: she orders, but never eats and she's skinny as fuck. personally, i think she's beautiful, but i've never met a guy who thinks the same! in fact, whenever i hook her up with anyone they all say they same thing, "she's too skinny with no tits" and aren't interested. she even got fucked and dumped by this one guy the night before.

so, why are we trying so hard to be like her when being her is having the resverse effects? here she is, a tall, skinny, hot girl who can't get the time of day (apart from the fuck and dump) from any guy whereas i, the tall, chunky, so-so, girl always has a bf who worships her? (not bragging, i'm just saying.)

i was supposed to go to church this morning so i needed to really dig in my closet for something approp (obv, i don't go to church as much as i should) and nothing fit, i had camel-toe, love handles, back fat... you name it! i'm done with that. i have work to do, but today was the first day in awhile that i didn't overeat. i ate more than i wanted to and more than i needed to, but it's a step in the right direction so go me.

i want my bf to go away for work next week. i don't want to have to worry about anything other than my job and going to the pool every other day... 

i need to learn to love the one i'm with because he's the one who wanted to spend time with me, made it official on fb, introduced me to his parents, etc. why am i wasting so much time thinking about impressing another boy who obv doesn't give a sh!t? he punched me in the face, nearly breaking my jaw, and i can't stop thinking about him! p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c-!

i also need to stop screaming "i'm not in the mood!" everytime he touches me, especially when my sudden hands-off tude is a result of my own insecurity: i feel FAT and ugly and i do not want to be touched. yes, our sex life is starting to deplete and it's aaall my fault. i feel FAT? go for a run! i feel ugly? put on some make-up! i can't keep punishing him for my failures or i'll drive him away.
plan: 1) if he wants to %*$& before i have to go to work let him and do it (more importantly, enjoy it like i used to) and 2) $*%& his brains out sat night...
hahaha, what a plan!

i need to stop putting off applying at the %*$&#(! bank.
*note to self: make the stupid online profile to the best of my ability, charm the in i have there, and hope for the best. it will take an h+ of total [ ] and i won't have time today... tomorrow perhaps?
i can't sit on it too long or d.l. won't want to refer me and my pedi will go to sh!t (he's going to try to get me in on the condition i let him massage my feet because 1) i have nice feet when maintained and 2) he's a freak). 

my pajamas feel tighter. how is that ^&%#!@( possible? pjs are supposed to be HUGE. 
i finish work at 11 so it's going to take all of my strength (and careful food planning for the day) to ensure i don't eat my face off when i get home.   

despite being poor and FAT, i'm in a decent mood. whyyy? because both of these things are within my control to fix and when they are fixed, by life will be wayyy better...

i knew there had to be a reason why k.h. finally got a man because she's never had a man give her anything other than an std (she never got dinners and gifts, if you know what i mean) and i scratched my head for months trying to fig out why her current bf decided to take that worthless piece of sh!t on and i finally figed it out: she takes care of his kids, hahaha. the only way a guy will make her a gf is if she does his dirty work. this sit reminds me of those husbands who cheat on their wives, but won't divorce them because she'll take 1/2 his sh!t. it's aaall about convenience. i can't believe i was jealous of that relationship. (she does get to travel the world a bit being with him, but i'm over that now that i know the real reason he takes her along. i also know that their relationship isn't going to end with a diamond ring.)

i'm glad i've stood by my decision not to play mommy to my bf's kid. she's a cool kid don't get me wrong, but i'm don't want him to be with me just because i make his life easier, i.e. take on his burdens. (yes, i'm calling children burdens, get over it!)

howev, she is skinnier than me now and that must be stopped!

oh, the power of frenemies!

i half blame relationships - seriously. i always end up with these clingy guys who don't give me a min to myself. i barely get my laundry done let alone my running and cal counting.

the rest of the blame obv falls on myself. i know what my bf is like and it's up to me to live my life with him and away from him all at the same time. i'm going to have to lay down the law about spending less time with him and avoid hurting his feelings at the same time, which means i have to do a little bit of fibbing, lolz. he will def be offended if i say i don't want to see him tonight so i can run, but he won't if i tell him i have to work later than i actually do...

he's awesome, but %*^&! this is my life and i want to be the best i can be - not some fat couch potatoe of a gf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

moi jour:

drink coffee and post on all your lovely entries->tan->shower/get ready for work->take my bf home->study->work [5-10]->apply @ td*->run->clean->zzz

i'm don't want to think about what to eat/not eat too much because then i start obsessing about it and i'd rather be indifferent. the only 2 rules i have are 1) eat at work (egg salad wrap, v8, fruit, and veggies) so i don't end up in a HUGE binge at 10 pm and 2) eat NOTHING after 10 pm!!!!

(aside: my mom just got home, which puts a damper in my study plans as i hate studying when people are in the house. coffee shops are good, if i had the time!)

*td pays $17.50/h AND my friend said he\d refer me so fingers crossed!

xoxo.

[aside: i'm not promoting sleeping your days away. in fact, i hate sleeping because it feels like such a waste of time, but sometimes you just need to make a goal as attainable as possible to build your self-esteem. (that's what i told myself when i woke up from a 12h "nap." anyway...)]

i'm leaving for canada's wonderland tomorrow, which means i need to get ready!

my bf doesn't eat for his entire work shift...12 h! the kicker is that he's a labourer, which means he's burning a mill cals and needs almost that much to function (or so you would think). he lives to eat and is a real steak-and-potatoes-kinda-guy so i don't understand how he does it! he says he just gets too "focused" and doesn't want to look like a pussy in front of the other guys for taking a lunch break, but come on! i have to fight with myself not to eat for 12 h when i'm just loafing around...and he's working his bum off!

getting my hair done in t-minus 10 h! maybe a day of pedigree will inspire my fat @$$ to stay away from the cookies? go for a run? do sooomething?

omfg! i got kicked out of pro ana! ahaha. that's hilar. i've been a member of that community since 2005ish and they kicked me out because they are jealous! i've finally become the girl that those ana bitches hate. i've worked really hard with my eating and work out regime to get that confidence so atm, i'm one of those tall skinny (could be skinnier, obv), tanned, bleach blonde girls that they want to be. ahaha. good riddance you fucking tweens. ahaha.

kiiinda non-ed related, but it's a sensitive entry and i really need your help!

i ended up in a pic with this girl's husband and she left a nasty comment saying:
(p.s., josh is my bf.)

now, in this pic her hubby and i are not hugging, kissy, or even all over each other in a sloppy drunken way; i'm seriously just sitting beside him in it! i responded with a nasty comment, but then i creeped her pro and i felt kinda bad for her (she's FAT and had to stay at home with the kids while her husband went to their best friend's stag and doe) so i deleted it. i just fig what 's the point? she's known this group for years so i know i will recieve 0 support - even if she's in the wrong.

she responds with:


i need to know how i should handle this. she's obv going to give me a real hard time and being the newbie i can't expect anyone to tell her to fuck off.

should i not go on sat and just avoid the drama?
should i go and not do anything?
should i go and beat her the fuck up if she says anything?

i'm really not in the mood to make things difficult for people involved, but it's going to be me against the group tom and i don't know if i feel up for walking into the lion's den so to speak...

tyvm in advance!

i may have over-reacted about s.a. leaving for the weekend without out me... slightly. it turns out, he went to new york for the day to pick up a hummer and he's back now. :) there is still a chance he'll do something without me for the rest of the weekend, but today he's running some errands with me and my bff. only time will tell and it's best not to put all of my eggs in one basket...

i have a doctor's app today and i'm going to ask him to prescribe me anti-depressants. (poor s.a. doesn't know that's what i'm going to see the dr about and i don't plan on telling him - my friend lives near the office so she's taking him out for coffee while i'm busy, lol. oh well i need to take care of myself, right? i hope you are all doing the same. no matter how much hope or faith you have in someone you are the most important person in your world.)

speaking of having hope and faith in people, my almost-31-year-old-x is still ignoring my texts. his immaturity baffles me. all i want if for us to sit down, explain why it all went wrong, and wish each other the best. why shut doors on people?

xoxo.